Pop Culture New Year’s Resolutions for 2017
Amadou
It’s almost New Year’s Eve and you’re going to go to a party and everyone is going to ask, “What is your New Year’s Resolution?” Don’t say “quit smoking,” “lose weight,” or “get a new job,” because all of those are bound to fail. Here’s a list of some nice easy ones that are all related to pop culture that you can tell people you’re working on. They’re fun and easy and everyone will think you’re fantastic for having them.
Watch a Kardashian Program
Everyone is always running around saying, “God, I hate those Kardashians. They’re so awful.” Well, have you ever actually watched one of their shows or are you just forming your opinion based on what other people who hate them tell you and gossip reports? Hm? You owe it to yourself to actually investigate the Klan on your own. Watch one of the damn shows. There are several to choose from. Just turn on E!. You’ll probably just run into one of them. (If you see a skinny lady talking about dresses, that is Giuliana Rancic. She is not a Kardashian. I’m not saying you have to like Kim & Ko. Quite the contrary! Just find out what you’re missing and have some ammunition for your hatred so you can talk about it coherently.
Buy a TV
If you’re one of those people who is all like, “I don’t even own a television,” then you need to get one. Now. Because that s**t is wearing thin and no one thinks you’re virtuous because of it. They just think you are a pompous snob who has nothing interesting to talk about at parties. Yes, you may download all your TV shows and watch DVDs, but a computer is no place for great movies! I’m not saying you have to get cable (but you should, if only for Game of Thrones) but get a television set and hook your computer up to it. When you’re staring at 40 inches of entertainment glory you’ll thank us—and everyone won’t think you’re a prick anymore.
Hate Jennifer Aniston Less
Maybe this is just a resolution for me, but man I can’t stand Jennifer Aniston. Why? I don’t know, I just do. Maybe it’s because she makes lukewarm movies and Brad Pitt left her and she’s just an avatar for all our collective self-loathing and sadness. But she has a hot new husband now! She’s on the mend. And she still looks good. This year, let’s give it up for Jennifer Aniston. Sorry, Renee Zellweger, I’m going to hate you for eternity.
Learn to Like New Music
Yes, the music you listened to in high school and college was good. It was great! But that doesn’t mean you can stop finding new bands and cultivating taste in music. This year, go out and find a new favourite band, or at least a good new album. Hell, there’s heaps to try on radiovolo! It doesn’t matter if you find it from a song on Spotify or a music blog or from a recommendation of someone whose taste you trust. Just go out there and find something. Cause there is lots of new, great stuff out there that you will like, no matter what your taste is. That and REM already broke up. I know, rough.
Read a Whole Book Without Pictures
Just one! I know, it sounds like homework, but that’s not too much to ask, is it? I mean, you have vacations, so you could knock one then. Or just read a few pages each night before you go to bed. Something. Just read a whole book. Not stupid Girl with the Dragon Tattoo book or some other BS they sell in airports—a good one that will make you smarter and expand your outlook on the universe and make you into a better person. The Secret doesn’t count either. But The Hunger Games does. Quick, you have until March 23 to finish it!
Retire the Word “Epic” as a Noun
This isn’t really pop culture, it’s just life. Stop saying “Epic.” I don’t want to hear about how that “Movie was Epic” or “Post was Epic” or “List was Epic.” I certainly don’t want to hear about “Life is Epic” or “My Erection is Epic” or “Your Face is Epic.” This is just stupid internet jargon and you are a smarter person than that. You know a lot of words that can express the situation without resorting to a silly, hackneyed shortcut. Use your words. Oh, we’re also retiring “fail.” And if you say “Epic Fail” I will personally come over to your house and explode you with lasers.
See a Foreign Film or Documentary in the Theater
I love a popcorn movie as much as Larry the Cable Guy, but there is so much cinema out there in the world, that you should give something else a chance. Go see something that is not in English. Show people that you are smart, interesting, and well-rounded. Then go get in line for Guardians of the Galaxy 2 because it’s going to be f***ing awesome!
Stop Whining about Spoilers
Seriously. If you’re gonna stare at your phone every 5 minutes, spoilers are always gonna come up. Now quit your whining and start watching faster!
Amadou is an American-raised, Hong Kong-based writer, communicator, and all-around lover of travel & food. He speaks four foreign languages and loves recommending new and exciting things to people whenever they go somewhere new. When not managing his day job, you’ll probably find him at a happy hour or at the park with his Maltese Terrier, Maxx.